Hospital

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY EMILY AND ESTHER!!!! =) (sorry i couldn't make it)

Boxing day shopping at 8am on sunday morning...left at 9am and made it early for church =) *pat on the back*

Went over to Andrew's for dinner...good times but lots of ppl couldn't make it. After i went to see my mom in the hospital, she went to emergency that evening. She has shingles and on top of that, the pox became infected..so she's been having fevers also. She's taking antiviral drugs, antibiotics and tylenol3..aiya. I diagnosed her with herpes simplex virus a week ago...very good-who needs med school =) I brought her back to the hospital the yesterday at 4pm..we waited for 4hrs before getting a room (8pm)..then stayed til 5am, she got 2 sets of antibiotics....it was exhausting but good bonding time w/ my mom. A while ago at a prayer meeting, Scott asked us to pray for his parents...he said how it's hard to watch them get old cuz as children we have this perception that our parents are big and strong (esp our father's) ...as i was sitting beside my mom's bed...i finally realized what he meant. It's hard to see our folks not at their best. But she's getting better.

I drove her over to my grandparents today...we stayed almost the whole day...then i brought dinner back for my dad. Lots of family time these days.

So what's this thing w/ lottery? I don't get it. From a statistical point of view, the chances of winning are close to 0 yet people spend $20-, $30-, $40 on these lottery tickets. And who are the ones that play?...the poor...the 'lower class'..maybe some of the 'middle class'...and then they lose their money...get more poor...ugh..it's such a vicious cycle. I know my parents' business is based alot on the lottery but i can't stand it watching ppl play as if if they don't buy the next ticket, they're going to lose their million. It only makes the poor more poor.

It's over

I quit my job 2 days ago...my last shift is next week. I'm scared but very excited. It's my first time being "umemployed" since i was 15. No wait, i was unemployed for a few months in gr12. But ya...i've wanted to quit for a long time now...i think more than a year but i've never had the guts to follow through. It's comforting knowing that i'll have a stable "income" so i don't have to ask my 'rents for $$$..but like they say, 'make more or spend less' (it's from a movie on the Woman's Channel) I've weighed and thought about this for a long time..like andrew once shared, 'if you don't take the risk, you can't receive the blessing'. I've missed out on so much in this past month espeically with oasis...partially due to exams but the other is work. I really want to enjoy my "post-childhood years" - serving oasis and enjoying my studies...with nothing overshadowing me, haunting me to go to bed early on friday night b/c i have to wake up at 7:45am on saturday. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking and just do it!

We spent last night at a dinner party with a bunch of family friends- same place, same people every time...it's been like this since i can remember...probably for 12 years now. I was really excited all day...it was "the light at the end of the tunnel" during my 7hr shift. It's usually lots of fun. I go and play w/ the kids, they're so cute....they're still really cute.. we'd play card games like signal..or tell stories...i dunno, makes me feel like a child again with no worries or "mature" thoughts. But alot of the kids have grown so much in this 1 year (i see them once a year)..the girls were...i dunno what they were doing..i think playing games online..and the boys were killing each other..and they're all at the tween age...not knowing what their cup of tea is but simultaneously insecure about who they are. Sigh. Then i talked to the big kids (my age), two of the guys are at UT..one in pharm and the other in 2nd yr life sci....not much fun either...i felt belittled cuz i go to the weird UTSC campus and they all go to the "real UT"...even though some are too proud to admit that they hate it...sigh.. i least i don't want to burn down my school down.

I spent the rest of my night sitting with my mom and her friends as they chatted. Wow. I've never heard/ experienced so much gossip in one night. I realized the whole night was just for tradition that any real value that christmas held was lost. Everyone wants the juice on everyone else...the first thing one of the aunties said to me was...'WHA....dan dan, you look pretty...what are you studying now? huh? ...what are you doing to become with that degree? do you have a boyfriend yet?"...and then later in the evening..."dan dan, what's your gpa?"...sigh..i felt so interrogated. Everyone has to put up a front in order to impress everyone else. Where's the transparency in that?

I took my grandparents out to lunch today. It was good spending time with them. I know they get really lonely..and i can tell that they like it when i come over. But the feeling is mutual...they're quite entertaining =)

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Done...and done...no more for 2 weeks..well not even but that's okay, no one's counting. Neuro sucked. Sigh. It was suppose to be an easy exam but i wasn't prepared for that...i was prepared for a super hard exam about every single detail...so i got screwed. Sigh..this prof is so unpredictable.

I got my mark for brain & behavior...after midterms, this was my 2nd highest mark...my final looks like something i'd get in first year..ya Matt, he screwed me over on the final too!!! Grrrrrr...i hate Petite.

No more talk about school...i'm ready to move on...time to start reading journal articles for neuroII =) ...i miss people

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*yawn*...*smile*...1.5hrs of sleep before my cell bio exam =) Got to school at 7am to study...it's all good. The exam went well =)) ...came home for a nap then went to work...i got to leave early =))) ....and now...9pm..bed time...1 more..just 1 more...i refuse to NOT finish strong =) Find me at trinity tmw =) Read or not neuro, here i come!

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And i thought stats went well =)
I spent all of wednesday at trinity lib...almost 10hrs for eco =) Yesterday it was at utsc...pestering my eco ta and a friend about math models =) . they're awesome!..i went home and slept from 4am-8am ...the plan was til 6am but i couldn't do it...sigh..left the house at 8:30 ....and my exam started at 9am!!!..there was much speeding going on on my little toyota. But all is well...i expect a big one here. Herbert will be proud =)

So now, i'm "treating" myself to a blog..he hee..fun times..AH..2 more all niters and it'll all be over! =) ...i can't wait to start interacting with humans again...but until monday...helllllllllo cell bio *wink*

Feeling left out. Sigh. I NEED exercise....and to stop sleeping. Hibernation sucks

The Storm in my Head

It upsets me that i try to please other. I hate that bout myself. Why does it bother me so much when others "disapprove" of things in my life when i know that they're the one's at fault? Such illogical craziness that actually really bothers me. Sigh. I hate how i can never be confident about my convictions/emotions/feelings/burdens and the list goes on. This isn't my over secretion of estrogen talking (i.e. pms)...it really bothers me. Perhaps i want what they have? Am i jealous? ...hmm...possibility. But i think it's more of a matter of confidence.

It's such a conflict of interest. When i sit back as a passive observer of my friends around me- those that i've use to be close and those that i'm tight with now, i see such a difference in the way ppl have chose to lead their lives despite the same "convictions" or "messages" we've all heard throughout the years. How easy it is to fool ourselves that what we have is all we need- no need to go any deeper but just to be satisfied when falling away seems be the case. That bothers me also. How can all those things be true yet the roads of the lives that ppl lead be so divergent? Yet everyone seems so "content" with the ones that they've chosen...on the surface at least but just deep enough to fool me. It bothers me b/c i see how easy it is for me to chose either one...but which will make me content? ...obviously i know the answer but the other is just so tempting. Radical holiness vs. __________.

I observe the lives of those who are truely serving/seeking and participating in the Kingdom. It encourages me. Then i turn to the other side and observe those who are being a little "leniant" in their faith...and it's tempting, they're doing fine, maybe i will too?...I know the answe inside my head yet the decision, the initiation and following through is the other extreme. I wish i had frontal lobe damage, that way once i'm in, my behavior will be hard to change.

I also hate how i'm so lukewarm. But what have i done to deserve any better?

Eventful

Why is it that i never learn...write the blogs in word then paste it onto blogspot. Sigh. Oh well, this is my attempt to procrastinate...what am i saying, i am procrastinating... before i finsih making another 40pgs of study notes for Cognitive Neurosci & Neuropsychology.

So the last couple of days has been quite "eventful" =)
I went to my last class on thursday, that was nice. This semester has gone by really fast...i've really enjoyed all of my classes..and most of my profs. I'm gonna miss Kronzucker :( Oh right. So i muttered up enough courage to finally email him..thanking him for all his effort & time into the course. I wanted to encourage him cuz he mentioned in class about the "ugly" email he's reiceved from some students complaining about the T.A....and told him about the nomination. He emailed me back the next day...he hee..i was quite giddy.

The next day, i had a meeting at school at 1 for the student mentorship program. There were about 20 of us there. I realized that i get awfully timid and mute when i'm with a room full of strangers. Sigh. I had a bad case of verbal constipation. For the whole 1.5hrs all the communicating i participated in was the occasional nodding and shaking of my head. Arg. I don't know why i get like that. Strangers scar me =( After the meeting i walked back to the car and ate lunch there cuz i didn't want to walk back..it was freezing. Then i sat there...and sat longer.. played games on my phone...tried to study...and sat some more. I'm such a loser ha haa. So finally i drove back to school. I studied from 3:30-10:30...quite productive i must say. If it wsan't for a 11hr shift the next day i would've stayed longer. But very happy about that.

Which brings me to saturday...a nice long 11hr shift during the xmas season. The front lines of battle has not been so bad lately but the just wait...the rush is coming..i can smell it. I missed 'the mix' for fellowship cuz 1) i finished at 7pm, the thing started at 6:30 and was in scarbro 2) i was tired 3) my parents were out of town so i would've had to bus home first and drive the beat up box on wheels......i think i'll pass. After work i did a little shopping..he hee..got som stuff for my mom. I think she appreciated it. Then went home and did my usual, watch the chinese movie then off to bed.

The message on sunday reminded me of a conversation i had about 3 years ago. A friend and i were talking bout talking...more specifically avoiding empty chatter i.e. not talking for the sake of talking or to fill the void with sound. We should avoid this...sometimes it's okay just to be silent..to listen. Conversations are not meant to entertain...espeically with real friendships. I find that one of my closest relationships, has somehow we've fallen into this deep pit. Perhaps a little of entertaining each other ...but more so not be cautious of the implications of our words..a little bit of gossip, a little big of bad jokes...very politically incorrect..but that's another story.

After church i came home for lunch then headed off to robarts to study w/ brandon. Also quite producitve :) We left around 7:30 and i went to the shoppers xmas party. I wasn't expecting much seeig how last year's was unbearably boring....but this year was quite..."different". 1) i drank..gasp.. ha haa..that was probably my first drink besides the occasional sip i'd take from my parents at dinner. My friend insisted i get something..so she ordered for me. My goodness, the nastiness. It tasted like fruit flavored rubbing alcohol...i had to wait til the ice melted so it would become more dilute. Sigh. That was the end of my career as a raging alcoholic. The night was also entertaining b/c the cosmeticians all got tipsy so they started dancing on the bar...shoppers is getting quite scandelous. After dinner, they usually do draws for prizes. I won a $25 gift certificate for roots- i was happy. Then after, i won a portable DVD player - that made my dad happy. I think he was karaokying and watching movies on the toilet. And later they gave everyone a bottle of perfume, i think i got CK contradiction- my mom liked that, she was happy. Sooo...in conclusion by the end of the night, we were all a happy Feng family...and it wasn't b/c of the alcohol!