The Storm in my Head
It upsets me that i try to please other. I hate that bout myself. Why does it bother me so much when others "disapprove" of things in my life when i know that they're the one's at fault? Such illogical craziness that actually really bothers me. Sigh. I hate how i can never be confident about my convictions/emotions/feelings/burdens and the list goes on. This isn't my over secretion of estrogen talking (i.e. pms)...it really bothers me. Perhaps i want what they have? Am i jealous? ...hmm...possibility. But i think it's more of a matter of confidence.
It's such a conflict of interest. When i sit back as a passive observer of my friends around me- those that i've use to be close and those that i'm tight with now, i see such a difference in the way ppl have chose to lead their lives despite the same "convictions" or "messages" we've all heard throughout the years. How easy it is to fool ourselves that what we have is all we need- no need to go any deeper but just to be satisfied when falling away seems be the case. That bothers me also. How can all those things be true yet the roads of the lives that ppl lead be so divergent? Yet everyone seems so "content" with the ones that they've chosen...on the surface at least but just deep enough to fool me. It bothers me b/c i see how easy it is for me to chose either one...but which will make me content? ...obviously i know the answer but the other is just so tempting. Radical holiness vs. __________.
I observe the lives of those who are truely serving/seeking and participating in the Kingdom. It encourages me. Then i turn to the other side and observe those who are being a little "leniant" in their faith...and it's tempting, they're doing fine, maybe i will too?...I know the answe inside my head yet the decision, the initiation and following through is the other extreme. I wish i had frontal lobe damage, that way once i'm in, my behavior will be hard to change.
I also hate how i'm so lukewarm. But what have i done to deserve any better?
It's such a conflict of interest. When i sit back as a passive observer of my friends around me- those that i've use to be close and those that i'm tight with now, i see such a difference in the way ppl have chose to lead their lives despite the same "convictions" or "messages" we've all heard throughout the years. How easy it is to fool ourselves that what we have is all we need- no need to go any deeper but just to be satisfied when falling away seems be the case. That bothers me also. How can all those things be true yet the roads of the lives that ppl lead be so divergent? Yet everyone seems so "content" with the ones that they've chosen...on the surface at least but just deep enough to fool me. It bothers me b/c i see how easy it is for me to chose either one...but which will make me content? ...obviously i know the answer but the other is just so tempting. Radical holiness vs. __________.
I observe the lives of those who are truely serving/seeking and participating in the Kingdom. It encourages me. Then i turn to the other side and observe those who are being a little "leniant" in their faith...and it's tempting, they're doing fine, maybe i will too?...I know the answe inside my head yet the decision, the initiation and following through is the other extreme. I wish i had frontal lobe damage, that way once i'm in, my behavior will be hard to change.
I also hate how i'm so lukewarm. But what have i done to deserve any better?
posted by A Mandar @ 1:50 a.m.
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