High School

I was awoke at 8am on thursday morning by the song "Time of your Life", Green Day. The song just started, the guy haven't started singing yet and as i layed motionlessly on my bed. Flashes of the 5 years of high school began to slowly flash itself, almost like a conveyer belt in my mind. As if almost conditioned to such songs (others include "Will You Remember Me?" and "Graduation" lol yes, believe it!). As the song continued, i thought about the amazing friendships, fellowship and love that i experienced in those 5 years with my peers and teachers alike. The differnt adventures we went on, rollercoasters, and all that we overcame. Drawing near to each other but most importantly being able to draw near to Him together. I realize how much i miss my friends and that environment- it's almost like last yr this time, starting uni all over, into this harsh secular env't. Sigh. I miss my friends. I miss being seriously accountable to ppl; being able to share in the struggles of others & overcoming; being in the presence of ppl that aren't going to make stupid jokes when i'm tryingn to be vulnerable; being prayed for after each conversation; being encouraged to the point of tears; being someone that others share their burdens with; being mentored to... Perhaps the enemy is doing this so that my eyes will be blind to the present opportunities that are layed on a platter for me, so that i will only dwell heavily on the past and miss out on what God's doing now. That would totally suck. I miss the passion. I guess perhaps my own cup feels empty...so how can anything overflow to fill the cups of others? I feel so inadequate to serve others right now........OOOOOORRRR...maybe this is all just PMS lol ...very possible!

It was grace that brought me out of the motherland.
It was grace that gave me hardcore "mandar" parents-and the kind of love that comes with that.
It was grace that led me to public school.
It was grace that got me out & into Peoples.
It was grace that brought me to rock bottom. Brokeness.
It was by grace that living, breathing and unique Blessings occured when it did.
It was by grace that is leading me to where I am going. By grace, i am who i am now.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.

I was recently thinking about what, who and where i would be now if it wasn't for that pivoting point during my early teenage yrs. I'm sure things would be ALOT different. I still remember quite vividly those whom i use to acquint myself with. It's interesting and sometimes shocking as to how differently lives can diverge. It's like the Butterfly Effect (i liked that movie).

First full week of second year. I think i can get use to this :) One thing i learned first yr was to not procrastinate with assigned readings; so much stress! Which is why i'm trying my best to stay on top of things...but...it's exhausting. I got most of the readings done today but it sucks to be stuck in the house all day. By the time i started Cognitive Neuroscience & Neurophysiology, i felt an onset of PMS. Not good. Chocolate and chips just made it worse...I KNOW! can you believe it!?!? he hee...i felt quite large so i went for a jogg at riverdale park. 10 laps in 40min. Then i went over to granny's for dinner. I love their place. So much good food and deluxe cable tv :) I always get there with an empty stomach and by the time i leave, i feel like i've just been to a buffet. And having company always makes them happy so :) (as i try to justify my using them for food..he hee)...i love them. But yes, i'm quite exhausted.

What's ahead? Work...birthdays...softball...Oasis...exams...ah Can't wait til Thanksgiving...a whole extra day off!!!! he hee

Round 2: *Ding*

The end of a seemingly perfect summer where God gave me a taste of a lil bit of everything. It didn't finish with a bang or a boom. Just a dinner with dad, 2hr parking lesson and a nite with Adrian and company. It was nice :)

But today officially marked the first day of second year. I was suppose to have a heavy day but no tutorials (YES)...i really enjoyed both ecology & neurosci. The profs are so awesome and so caring. But jeepers...i was trying so hard to stay awake in stats..oh so very hard. Mama. Just when i thought i've escaped the hands of math, it comes back to haunt me...again. But just in a different form and NOT with raymond grinnel this time :( Sigh. How will i ever adapt?
But on a brighter note, i did find out that i have both wednesdays AND fridays off. Yes people, only 3 days of school- Oh how sweet the sound. Besides that, i was able to get my locker, sign up for mentorship office hours and buy my stats book. Sorry guys, nothing terribly exciting.

By the time the second prof was explaining about the atlas we need to know by heart of the sheep brain, i realized that the chestpains has already began. School is like a cramp or in this case, a stroke. First is the chest tightens. Then the exchange of gas diminishes. Next everyting seems just a little dimmer. And finally your whole body has tightened so much that there is no room for anything else. Sigh. "Waiting to exhale" would in this case be the correct phrase. I guess i'm just really scared. Very. Even though i'm suppose to be helping others enjoy and adapt to uni, i'm secretly diahreaing myself. Not good! But on the other side of the coin, i'm really excited about the stuff that we'll be learning. As the profs were going through the syllabi (for all 3 courses) i found myself eager to envelope the information, knowledge and hopefully even wisdom that will be expected of us to know. It's like one of those indecisive, dilemma things. Except there's no room for my decisions to effect anything because whether i like it or not, lectures, quizzes, assignments and exams are all going to come like a storm. So i guess i'll just sit here quietly, with my legs bent, hands together, head bowed low and eyes looking to Him. There's no way i can depend on my own strength, it's all Jesus! My mighty Source. And BaBa thank you for that!

The Slippery Slope

"Search my heart oh Lord and know my anxious thoughts..." (Jeremiah)
It's scary how fast my heart can waver. How well it can deceit...myself. How well it tries. Although my heart is so important, i do such a horrible job of taking care of it. Although i share with others that we should guard our hearts at all cost, i fail to do so myself. Sigh. Linda would be disappointed. When will i learn? It's all about Him. I am nothing-merely a piece of clay in the hands of my Potter. After everything He's done for me, you'd think i've learned that by now. But time after time, it comes back to haunt me. I feel like Israel and the vicious cycle it goes through in the Old Testament.

"It was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind" (Lewis, 1980). No matter how watchful, i find myself fallen back into this pit hole. Pride. Such a simple word but is capable of doing so much damage. It's so frustrating.

Abba Daddy, when will i learn? My prayer is simple- Let me see nothing in myself. Help me to forget myself altogether. Hear my petition my God! Change my heart. Change the lense in which i look through. Let it be all you and nothing less. My heart so easily hardens and yet i did not even know it. Lord bring me to my knees and brokeness. Only then will i fall completely. Thank you Daddy b/c you hear these words. Thank you for drawing me near :) Amen.

It's so hard coming up with snazzy titles...

This whole online sharing thing is still new to me. It's so much more efficient than manual writing so i think i'll stick to it- although some things should still be meant to be kept in the privacy of my own lil book. The past few days has been quite full. Fun but full- like a buffet. I went shopping w/ Shauna and Jenny after church. Exhausting. It's one of those buffet moments where before you go; you're all excited ("what am i going to try this time?" " maybe there will be new stuff") and by the end of the day, you don't want to walk another step or chew another bite. Yet you know in the future, you'll be right back in there, hoping to get a good bargain. Sigh. The selfishness of humanity. We had an nice dinner but some green peppers sneakily went into my stomach. And i'll spare the rest.

We had a committee meeting on monday night- very much needed. We are so prepared! I'm so thankful for that, for each person on the committee, for the creativity that God's blessed us with and just the different personalities, skills and abilities each of us bring. It's so awesome to serve with such a dedicated team. It was a long meeting..probably b/c i wasn't that prepared. My bad. I slotting a time frame for each topic really is necessary. We went through alot of logistics for the fellowship. Tre bon!

Tuesday= today. I went shopping w/ Dee he hee..fun times! Spent way too much and bought too many things that i didn't set out to get...but the deals! It's all about the good deals (...as i try to justify myself. Sigh). I later met up with Warren. I haven't seen that boy in ages. Probably since last winter. Good times also. He shared about his trip to China. Showed me pics and shared about his future plans for another mission trip next summer. Super encouraging to see this bro develope more of a passion to evangelize and go out of his comfort zone and respond to the direction that God's leading him. And ofcourse, YEA CHINA :) I also shared with him all the blessed things that's been happening here this summer. It's amazing how i don't talk to the guy for months and we can just get together and lay everything out. Just shows that we're family..time can't break that bond. After listening to his stories and to my other friends who also went on mission trips this summer, i feel like it's fanning the flames for me. God is definitly moving in China- everywhere; thru and by so many means- teaching, learning, medical aid, orphanages. He can use anything and everything. So with that said, i'm just looking forward even more for when i can have my chance to serve in the motherland. I'm more sure of what kind of ministry i want be part of now and when that will be. But everything is by His will so nothing is for sure at this point. I'll update this as it progresses and becomes more clear.

On a lighter note, softball banquet tomorrow. A flashback of PCA formals race before my eyes lol. Music but no dancing he hee it's all good. Fellowship is what it's all about :) Dee and i were saying how it's like the prom that we never had together and the nondancing banquet that she's never had. No worries, i'll teach her about the washroom stalls ^__^ Looking forward to it.